The Funniest Jokes. Humor. Short and Hilarious Anecdotes

100 year old man

2011-04-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends," says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

It's alright

2011-04-09T00:21:00.001-07:00

Two friends talking:

- Sorry man, I slept with your wife

- It's ok, I sleep with her every ninght

We're all gonna die

2011-04-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

- Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?
- Well everyone is going to die some day, you know....
- Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!

Happy Marriage

2011-04-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

- Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!
- So who's the lucky man?
- The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist

Pick up line

2011-04-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

- Hey girl, did anyone tell you that you look like Marilyn Monroe?
- Noooooooo!!!!
- That's right! 'cause you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger

NATO in Libya

2011-04-06T21:46:00.001-07:00

In order to protect civilians from airstrikes NATO air forces have to gun down themselves

At school

2011-04-06T21:45:00.001-07:00

- Bobby, would you like to go to heaven?
- Yes Miss, but I really need to be going home after the classes

Bandaged blonde

2011-02-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

A blonde with bandaged arm and foot meets her friend.
- What happened to you?
- I was using a vacuum cleaner and it hit me in the arm
- But why is your foot bandaged?
- I kicked it back!

Surfer

2011-02-03T15:35:00.000-08:00

One shark to the other: Look at this surfer - he's being served just like in a restaurant on a food-tray and with a napkin

God doesn't exist

2011-02-03T15:33:00.000-08:00

"God doesn't exist" - Karl Marx
"Karl Marx no longer exists" - God

How to make people happy

2009-09-22T04:06:00.000-07:00

One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."

Marriage

2009-09-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Violent when drunk

2009-09-02T03:36:00.000-07:00

A guy walked into a bar and said: "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didnt have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldnt pay.
Then the next day, the guy said: "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"

Blonde breaststroke swimming

2009-09-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, I dont want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.

Weight loss

2009-08-30T04:17:00.000-07:00

- Honey, I lost half a kilo!
- Did you shave your legs ?!

At the bank

2009-08-29T02:46:00.001-07:00

"Im not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

Insomnia

2009-08-29T02:43:00.000-07:00

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor: "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked
"The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

A Christmas wish

2009-08-26T05:50:00.001-07:00

Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."

At school

2009-08-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress youre wearing looks fine....

Alcohol

2009-08-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Bill was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Blonde's happy birthday

2008-10-20T03:52:00.000-07:00

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

Restaurant in Spain

2008-10-16T02:46:00.001-07:00

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.
"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

Drunken driving

2008-10-14T04:38:00.000-07:00

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Friends

2008-10-10T04:33:00.000-07:00

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but also they walked around ith bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."

Two blondes flying

2008-10-09T01:55:00.000-07:00

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.'
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.' An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.'
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'

Blonde goes flying

2008-09-19T00:37:00.001-07:00

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Toilet

2008-09-17T22:44:00.003-07:00

- Madam, you look so gorgeous in your evening toilet
- Are you nuts, dude? Shut the door!

Identification

2008-09-17T22:44:00.001-07:00

A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said,
"Yes, it's me all right."

Mathematics

2008-09-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

Teacher: Frank, how old were you last year?
Frank: 7 years old
Teacher: Then how old you will be next year?
Frank: 9 years old
Teacher: That's impossible!
Frank: No, it isn't, today is my birthday!

2008-09-09T00:04:00.001-07:00

Rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.

2008-09-07T23:29:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those
things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go
off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

2008-08-17T10:16:00.001-07:00

What’s the REAL reason the government jails people for theft?

They don't want any competition.

2008-05-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

2008-04-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law.

Politics and humor. Funny jokes. Hillarious anecdotes. The funniest oneliners. Political Jokes. Daily jokes.

2008-04-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

When Bill Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

2008-04-29T05:14:00.001-07:00

Two Cow Defined (Classic)

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

2008-04-29T05:07:00.001-07:00

Where does bill clinton have sex?

- In the oral office.

2008-04-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?

To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

2008-04-25T03:52:00.000-07:00

How do you say in two words "A well settled down young lady"?
- Misused, misplaced